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Saturday, 02 August 2008

Drive or Ride

I’ve been taking caltrain a lot lately. It’s fun. I take caltrain because it goes directly from San Francisco to San Jose in about an hour to an hour and a half time. But I’ve been using caltrain because I pretty much have given up on driving. The only time I do drive is when Danny (my room mate) asks me to. Thankfully the bay area has pretty good public transportation.. Even better SF has the wonderful MUNI/BART/CABLECAR systems. Virtually everywhere in the city is accessible. But I’m detracting again. I was talking about why I’ve been riding caltrain to San Jose. My dad got into a car accident the previous week. Ugh… you know what that means… that means that all the males in my immediate family got into a car accident this year. First my brother, then me, now my dad… I’m getting worried. Luckily none of us were seriously injured, but my Father is taking a week off of work by Dr.’s request. I honestly think that all of us in our family are great drivers. My dad grew up like most of my straight asian friends… into pimped out rice rockets… putting body kits, turbo superchargers, and stacked spoilers on his cars… ugh I know. But I can vouch for my father when I say he is a capable driver. He taught my brother and me how to drive. My mother has always been a super cautious driver.. So I think when we learned how to drive like racers when we were younger.. Most of that was balanced with our mother teaching us more “driving etiquette.” So at this point I think I’m the first one to throw in the towel with driving.. At least until I move to a city that’s more driver friendly. SF does not have any sympathy for people that are looking for parking, as I have learned through numerous parking violations which amount to $1358 in the course of a year. So I guess that’s why I’m just going to do the public transportation thing for now. -Lan
Ps. Yay!!! I don’t have to worry about gas too. Alright.

Friday, 01 August 2008

hair today, gone tomorrow

i am definitely in need of a haircut.. even more so, i'm debating how to go about ending dating someone... thank buddha he doesn't read this. it's all too cruel. let me take a few steps back and explain:
i was with a guy. i was in love with him. we dated for about a year. we broke up. i cried. i went to a bar. i got drunk and hit on some guy. he was kind and comforting. we spent a lot of time together. he thinks we're a couple. i am emotionally detached.
now... what am i supposed to do? i find that i've met many great men since the break up... but sadly i am incapable of developing any feelings for them. i wonder if it's because my feelings for my previous boyfriend still linger and torment me. but it is either one of those two things:
1. my feelings for my ex prevent me from having feelings for anyone else.
or
2. i just do not have any genuine feelings for those great guys i've met.
either case. i need to resolve this dilemma. i don't know what the fair thing to do is. should i stop seeing this guy because i didn't have the genuine feelings of love to begin with.. or should i stick with him until my feelings for the ex go away and i possibly develop love for him? -Lan
ps. fucking can't figure this out. i just want my ex to come back and tell me that he loves me again... that would make this so much easier.
pss. does this make me a bad person? am i using that guy as a rebound? oh fuck...

Tuesday, 29 July 2008

what i look like at karaoke

list of songs i sing when i karaoke : "danny boy", "desperado", "can't take my eyes off of you", "always and forever", "i'm not in love", "all the way", "my way", "escape (the pina colada song)", "i'll be there", "your song", "can't help falling in love", "hey jude" -Lan
ps. feel free to give me more ideas of what to sing.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

sync

…and then I was reminded I could breathe again. As he lay resting beside me, I adjusted each of my breaths to his in order to maintain his undisturbed slumber. I began to feel at peace again. My arms stretched over his chest to hold him that much closer; to pull myself out of the absence and emptiness of my life without him. I could feel myself strengthening and realizing more and more that I am him and he is me. The constant struggle to find acceptance within ourselves was coming to an end, because from the outside forcing its way to the inside, the love that we felt for each other made us whole again. Though our past pains haunted us and though our fears of the future persisted, facing those pains and fears together would make us stronger. Although now it feels as if he is breathing me out as I am breathing him in, I remain hopeful that we will be together again. -Lan
ps. sorry for being gone so long... saying good bye can be difficult.

Sunday, 18 May 2008

do you remember?

do you remember the days when i was yours? do you remember the days i said "i love you" and even more do you remember the days when we counted the seconds til we would meet again? i can't help but recall every moment we spent together... but as i do i quickly begin to deteriorate into nothingness because from the inside out i miss you. this hollow feeling that's beginning to surface in my disparaged eyes and faltering smile allude to the fact that i'm at no loss for self loathing expressions. i won't hesitate to say all of this because it's all passed and you're trying to move beyond me. and i can feel it in this increasing distance between us that pain prevails our circumstance. i wish that i could find remedy or erect some refuge from the perpetual wounds inflicted upon our relationship, but i'm realizing the internal wounds were more egregious than the superficial wounds we've endured together. looking at you i see a man that can't bare but surrender and walk away with what remains of him. i can't guarantee that i can offer more than a promise that i'll always stand with you rather than against you, but with that i hope you accept my alliance to your happiness. i've spent too long looking myself over in the mirror wondering if i'll ever be right. just tell me yourself, "will i ever be right?" tell me what you would make of our fate together... or at the least, tell me that we have control to dictate where we go from here. -lan
ps. it doesn't need to make sense... all that you have to understand is "i love you " and that "i'm yours"